ramblings by zo

twenty five years old

2010-12-03T20:12:00.000-08:00

Looks like I made it to 25 yall! Woot woot! I mean not that I didn't think I was going to not make it to this age.. but geeeeeezzzzz looooouuuuuiiiissseee it sure came FAST!!!!

My birthday this year was a lot of fun! Both Alex and I spent our birthdays getting drunkie because we were both sober for our bdays last year. The picture above is on the day of my birthday which was Tuesday. Lunchtime at Macaroni Grill :) Thanks to Cassie, Jawana & my baby for having lunch with me!

Alex spoiled me on Tuesday. After a yum lunch at Mac Grill Alex took me to a cute little fancy Italian restaurant for dinner in Santa Monica. The restaurant is called La Vecchia Cocina off of Main Street & I had me some BOMB lobster and artichoke pasta. DEEELISH!!!

Since my birthday fell on a Tuesday this year we celebrated on the Saturday night before. Katie, Laura & I all partied together at the Underground in Hermosa Beach. Laura turned 26 on 11/28, Katie turned 26 on 11/30 and yours truly turned two-five on 11/30. Hooray for us!!

Pre-gaming it at our place. Ladies shot.

The boyfriends and fiances (well fiance) trying to look dumb. They suceeded.

cab rides are always fun :]

heather & the birthday ladies

The next morning - hungover and allllllll... i met some of my favorite ladies for birthday brunch! it was SO DELICIOUS.. cafe laurent in Culver City. Great pick Ann Chiu.

We posed with the cute old man who played the accordion for us while we ate. He played me "Happy Birthday" :)

freedom

2010-11-19T15:56:00.000-08:00

it's almost hilarious that i have to post this again but i don't care because i am ridiculously happy about it.

" i got a new job".

hahaha.. today is my last day at the current cur-sed place of employment. i have somehow grown zero balls and agreed to work a few hours here and there until the end of the year but hey i can live with making some extra holiday cheese.

i start at DaVita next week in el segundo. here's to monday and having my dreams come true!

okay, maybe not dreams coming true but a hell of a lot me getting away from my current NIGHTMARE na um sayin!? ??

yeah.. so there.

never content

2010-09-10T09:10:00.001-07:00

so i am approaching my 25th birthday this november and each year i keep thinking i have in many ways passed my "partying years", or the time in my life where i am "searching for myself?", but apparently that NEVARRRR changes. not never but NEVARRR to emphasize the it always being that way.

it is the unreluctant theme of my life that i am incontent with the way my life is going. i mean i aint is totally stupids.. i know that the ones who waste their life TRYING to enjoy it are the ones that DON'T enjoy it. i just really wish i could have a do-over.

like the 3 glorious months that i was on unemployment.. i wish i didn't care and didn't try to get a job that whole time and went out & did crap with my life. i mean i was so scurred about not having income i stayed home all day studying for that licensing exam & i couldn't enroll in school because they would take me off of unemployment. ughh.. the never-ending battle for twenty somethings that didn't finish college. do i explore and find out what to do with my life? or do i limit everything because i should finish school and try to have a real career.

for me that hardly makes total sense. i am already working in a 8-5 "career" position. getting a degree might help me get paid more, but it's not exactly the sole reason i am in school. what IS that reason i ask myself.. ummm "cause".

yeah, that's not really a sufficient answer but *sigh* i keep changing my mind i don't know. you know what really grinds my gears? (yes, i got that from family guy) is that i keep seeing creative people around me doing all kinds of crap that i wish i could do. there is a list i have that i am supposed to get to before... shit, before 30 years old to be realistic but at 25 i kind of feel it needs to be done:

1) Go the eff to CHINA!!

yeah, i AM chinese, full. my whooole family both sides has been & can somewhat speak fluently. now that my brother has been in taiwan for almost 2 years he's pretty close to fluent to. as for me? i need my dad to stand nearby when i visit my ailing grandma because as much as i love her & she loves me i don't understand a danged word she says to me. it's really sad to just smile at her when i know she knows i have no idea...

2) Visit HAWAII..

yeah i figure when i get married i'd go somewhere like this for a honeymoon, but i really really want to visit hawaii. i have NO IDEA how it is over there and for some reason i'm like the only one on the planet that hasn't been. okay i know, totally not true but i'm just sayin.

okay i know this is contradicting the fact that i want to be freeee & not be in work/school but here's 3

3) FINISH SCHOOL!

yes, i actually want a degree n shizzz.. but errgghhh ahhhhh, i don't want to be working full time while in that process. i mean unless it is something i LOVE!!!!! and working with finance i think that is something i CAN love. but i am definitely playing around with the accoutning & bookkeeping side so i can do my own business thing & be a part of OTHER's businesses. but yeah, that i am getting ahead of myself.

soooo.. yeah, that's a list. but for now, and forver i am looking for that sign that i should drop everything and do "____________" (fill in the blank).

a few months ago that could have been the calling but instead i stayed home didn't explore and got fat. that ugh.... didn't make me so happy.

well, this weekend is not a technical vacation but i'm getting away to be with the most inspiring friend me has. maybe i'll get some clarity getting away from the city. well MY city atleast.

peace

crazy life or lazy zo

2010-08-06T10:36:00.001-07:00

so since i suck at updating this blog i realize every time i look at my last post - my life has changed in huge significant ways since that post. and i'm like kicking my self in the arse thinking i need to update this. but really, i don't care.. don't want to. like the series 7 thing.. not studying anymore. but working in gardena at a much closer financial planner's office. still plan to get it one day.. but this new job is going to take me a year or so to really get the hang of what i am doing and mastering it.

but here we go again. i am going back to school in the fall. i swear i keep being "done with school". but then inclined to "get back into school".

what is wrong with me. it's not a question so don't answer. anyway. i don't know why this post isn't all WOOO HOOO HAPPYYYYYY because in about 6 hrs i am on vacation.. probably cause i am working now and should be getting back to that. yeah, i'll do that.

well the truth is i am not fully into this posting. i just wanted to update it and correct the fact that i am NOT going forward with the things going on in my last post.

so as usual, a half assed post by me.

you're welcome.

summmerrrr lovin

2010-06-24T11:07:00.000-07:00

okay no loving, just couldn't think of a good title. although that's not to say there isn't any loving going on period. because i am still very happily IN LOVE and enjoying my life :)

i am just not enjoying my weight. but i have fully kicked off the "diet". i chose not to ditch food all together.. too hard. i am drinking replacement shakes and salads and logging all that i eat/do. and i have been exercising more frequently lately. let's hope this means i lose some poundage before summer is over!

anyway it has been a while since i have posted and i am now moved in and settled in redondo beach! i love love love the new apartment! after all the drama that was the last year at hawthorne i am pleased. but errrggggghhh... i was surprised about learning of one of our neighbors. just someone i was hoping to get FURTHER from.. ironically we moved right into the same complex with! it's more of an indirect connection but i just plain do not trust this person! so.... oh well, that won't bring me down!

sooo.. studying for the series 7 general securities exam is what i have been up to lately! this crap is harrrddddd! well it's better now, but bonds & stocks and interest and all these rules... making my head spinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn and spin and spin!

anyway. life is finally GOOD. i just need to start believing it too because i have this curse of finding a reason to be depressed. probably because i am home everyday all day lately and i do not allow myself to go out because i have to study. sadness. well i am looking forward to a lot this summer so pshaww to my lameness. next month i am FIVE YEARS CLEAN! wooooot. dayamm. that's when people say it's like a marker. i have met many ppl in rehab that hit 5yrs and were very happy but just had this feeling of not being satisfied and they tested the waters once again. ummm.............. i will NOT BE ONE OF THOSE! i have my problems as everyone does, but i am truly happier with my life now than i ever could be! can't take life, people & opportunities for granted!

....

beach body

2010-05-12T21:04:00.000-07:00

so summer is pretty near. shoot, by today's weather i could have believed it was the middle of july.. so i am trying to get psyched out to actually lose some weight and actually by proud to wear a bikini for once. except for maybe 2 years ago i am the suck at dieting. i managed to lose some weight back in the day during my single days of mega dieting but since than pounds just like to pile :*(

it's amazing that in the picture below which was 2 years ago i thought i was fat, when today i would kill to have that body right now. i mean i aint no bikini babe, but i am definitely rocking that one piece lol!

hmm.. then again, maybe it's the way i am standing. pulling the illusion of skinny. but either way i am way skinnier in that one piece than NOW. ughh.. need to get back on the horse. the same horse i have been fighting with all these years. fighting and beating down with a stick!!!!

well in 3 more weeks i will be moving to redondo beach right by where i used to run all the time. if i want to be beach ready by august for the havasu trip i better run everyday. ha.. that is going to be a challenge. hopefully i can commit. cause i def wanna frolick compfortably on those sandy shores :)

unemployment

2010-05-03T12:35:00.000-07:00

so i haven't posted since i wrote about how i quit my old job in encino & i have gotten a few random comments congratulating me.. thanks to those who came across my blog. but i have yet to update again because i was well, sad and embarrassed that i was given the freedom then it was taken right away from me. but in actuality i am now happier than ever NOT WORKING!

on april 1st (yeah, april fools) i was let go from my temp-to-hire position in redondo beach, ca. it was the perfect job in my eyes, and i was being trained for a great customer service position where i would be overseeing most of the customer service activity. after going through what i went through to be let go i am happier than ever to NOT be working for this company. they let me go for a childish reason so i am better for it to be unemployed. and because this was my first time being let go from a job where i did not quit myself i am eligible for unemployment!

i received my first EDD check a few days ago :) while i am not the type of person to support leeching off the government it is INSANELY nice to take a break and enjoy myself without worrying how i am going to pay bills and just afford to live.. i am currently looking for employment in the torrance area again but the pressure is definitely LESS. i am finally getting to enjoy the nicer parts of life like going to YOGA CLASS on FRIDAY at 10:00AM!!! i would never be able to do that before... and best of all...

WE'RE MOVING FROM HAWTHORNE!!! i tend to be quite the.. i don't know the word off the top of my head but i am always moving and changing jobs i swear.. but hawthorne has proven to be well not the safest neighborhood so i am glad to be moving more towards torrance & closer to the beach :)

well, more updates to come and stories about life.. but now, it's time for pho with friends.

there's hope for me yet

2010-02-24T16:18:00.001-08:00

wow after i write the blog posting yesterday i get the call that my pt services are needed at the torrance staffing agency i have been trying to get a job with.. today......... i quit my job and it felt FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i work in torrance now yall.... for the first time in 4 years there will be no freeway commute to work. thank you JEESUSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

happy happy happy happy happy happy happy. and happy.

february

2010-02-23T14:31:00.001-08:00

i have been a bad bloggger. these days my blogs are just about that - me being a bad blogger. well that's boring isn't it? oh well. its february now.. the second month of 2010. wowee wow can't believe how times flies. lately i have been uber busy. not making enough time to blog. but sometimes i believe it's just the opposite reason that i do not blog. i am bored. unhappy? scratch that. i AM happy. with certain areas of my life but as usual the area of my working life not so much. what i have been thinking lately and by that i mean today is that i am starting my quarter life crisis early. i mean it's really just around the corner but then again i ALWAYS feel this way about my life and a job. but this time i mean business.

a new paragraph? yes. why? because the last one was getting too long and i am not exactly starting a new topic but i didn't want to scare readers into reading the never ending paragraph. yes it's deceptive but anyway this is far from staying with my point. so.. i have been job searching like crazy and every time i get to something i think will work - it doesn't. i don't want to say god is punishing me but obviously god is behind it. i mean not like HA ZORANA YOU DIDN'T GET THAT JOB HA I AM GOD.. but more like i already believe everything is in his will. in his control. that kinda way. my usual reasoning and the one that always makes sense is that i am supposed go through this because i don't know how to be patient. it is the most probable reason and the one i hate the most. there are a million good reasons i can come up with of why things going my way would be a great benefit for me and my loved ones in the long run but for the most part it's because i like having things my way when i want it my way. sucks. because that usually and always means thus far... never gonna happen. whoa is me. is me... whoa? whatever i don't know. i hope i snap out of it.

on a lighter note february has been nice. ann & alex have moved into the kornblum estate with me and alex. yes two alex's. it is as confusing as it sounds. haha. we joked it would be funny and then the first week it was. and confusing. but it's great. i celebrated chinese new years and valentines this month and on the 14th it was 182.5 days together for alex & i. i couldn't be happier with him but i just wish the rest of my life would work itself out as well. if part-time works out i may even pursue school again. even after all the mess i talk about going back to school at this age. i usually claim i prefer school when i'm older, like 30ish older but hey maybe school is in my cards again soon. we shall see. well anyway i am excited because i hope to start contributing more to the burp this year. since i did nothing for issue two i am motivated to take a bigger role in #3. and for starters i will start blogging for the burp. this will be interesting.

until next time..

a new year

2010-01-12T07:32:00.000-08:00

i really should kick myself in the butt for not updating this anymore.. i guess lately i have been too busy. busy..... being lazy. i really should have no excuses but i guess i have become accustomed to my domestic life. not a horrible thing.

anyway it is a new year and i feel very positive about what 2010 will bring! there are a few things i am waiting to hear about that may change my current pathway... life... whatever. can't talk about it just yet. which makes this a very boring blog posting yes. oh well. i am not at my computer where my pictures are or else i'd add some color to this post with some pics i took over the holidays... buttttt i wont. so there. bye.

10 things..

2009-11-11T13:36:00.001-08:00

i can summarize my life these days with 10 things:

-freeway
-family guy
-hamburger helper
-wine
-south park
-roadhouse
-ralphs
-hot cheetos
-sushi
-alex

happy birthday my love

2009-11-11T09:14:00.000-08:00

*november 8th, 2009*

you are twenty three. and you are 23x more sexy. if that is even possible.. i love you. xoxo

dinner at texas loosey's (yes that's spelled right, i thought it was lucy's boy was i wrong) for "the best burger ever" says he. credit where credit is due.. it was oh so delish.

apparently sometimes i am a hand model. or a blush model. depends on how you look at it.

hello family :) we hosted them for bday breakfast at our naked (but it's ours and we love it) apartment. who knew pancakes took a million hours to make? i didn't. mmmm.... breakfast foods.

two in a row

2009-08-19T12:57:00.000-07:00

so it's about 1pm in the afternoon and i am home. and i am awake! double-you-tee-eff right? well i am usually awake anyways when i'm working but i am usually a lot more tired. i left work 3 hours early this morning so i could come home and sleep because guess who's ass has to be back at work in 3 hours again!? yeah, um, me. and then after an hour of suckass traffic back home i have to goto work AGAIN tonight at 10pm! i know, what's up with that right? o well... i have to go because i will be gone for the next week, but i will be working cause i am going camping with the kids at work. WOO HOOO MONO LAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so excited :]

well, wow, i am blogging TWO DAYS IN A ROW!! go me. i guess i am just awake and online right now so i just figured i have time to write a little somthin somethin so i will darn you. i was planning to sleep until like 2 then take a shower, but i am awake now, so whatever. technically i slept for like 5 ish hours. that's pretty damn good for me. i usually only get a couple of forced hours that i am just lying in bed but not really asleep, so i feel really GOOD right now!

so errrrrrrrrrrr ummmmmmm.......... i can't wait til tomorrow. tomorrow is my first night off. i should have 4 nights off, but because i chose to take sunday night off i have to goto work tonight :/ boo to the hoo. but whatever, it's all good. i am still looking forward to tomorrow so i can one, sleep regular hours....... even though i tend to stay up on my off days anyway. and two, i get to hang out with the person who's been responsible for the ridiculous smile that's been plastered on my face all week. ^_^ it's nice to start my "weekend" early.. thursday's are once again my fridays. but actually it will be wednesdays every other week once my schedule becomes regular at work again. ahhhhhhhhhhhh which reminds me... school is coming up.

school. school. school. school. school................................................. and school!!!!!!!!!!!!

am i ready? i think so. i just need to get through this stupid stats class! this time i will buy a dumb parking pass so i don't struggle with parking like last time.. and i will be there for EVERY class in the beginning at least.. i am a little nervous that i will be missing two classes togo to new york in october. hopefully i know what's up in that class by then. or at least i meet friends in class to catch me up when i get back. dahhhh.

oh yeah i remember why i stopped blogging EVERY day. i ramble. well............. this is titled 'ramblings by zo' so i guess i am in the clear, no?

yeah, okay. i think it's time to end this entry.

peace on out.

lazy daisy

2009-08-18T16:49:00.000-07:00

so my name is not daisy but i am lazy indeed. it's not like i could have named this post lazy zorana, well i could have, but it didn't rhyme and it's like there's not a word than rhymes with zorana that means lazy. with my name all you get is 'zorana banana' and though i like the sound of that, it really doesn't get my point across does it?

well guess who moved again!??? me.

i guess i would have had to supply the information that i moved out of my old house about two weeks ago and moved in with my mom. i was living in the living room for 2 weeks. i had quite the setup. but whenever like everyone was home and downstairs (my mom rents the two bedrooms out to other people) well then i really didn't have anywhere to go to did i? it was kinda awkward. and well entertaining to me because i love awkwardness. i mean i don't enjoy the actual awkwardness but it makes me chuckle when i think about it.

well anyway i love my new pad. it's really not mine though. i am living with a hispanic family that i found on craigslist. i mean i didn't find the family on craigslist, i found the room. lol. anyway.. here it is.. welcome to my newly zen and peaceful room-

ann hates my guts because i asked her to help me move for like the TENTH time in a year.. lol! sorry ann, you are the bestest though! haha, she thinks if she gets a tiny car she will have to stop helping people move, but i will probably ask her to help me either way.... lmao! that's what best friends are for........... but really i know i have too much crap so she's a freaking trooper to help me whenever i need it :]

but this move was a little better... i am using their furniture, the "furnished room" option. mainly because their queen bed is too big to move out, and everything else just matches it. and i hate moving all my bed crap so it was quite an easy move just using their stuff. still i was surprised how much crap i still own. i have too much clothes.. but i don't even like my clothes... i guess it's time to donate again. *sigh*

well anyway, i am lazy, but lately i have been walking more, and since moving here i have felt more productive even though it's not even been a week. i guess i am happier!

happier............for many reasons!!!

it's been a while since i have really liked someone again, since the mess that was earlier this year, but i am definitley in the beginning stage of bliss :DDD kekekeeke.. hopefully things work out well. you never know!

anyway, that was my random, not very informative update. i will try to write in here like i promised myself i would...... later though! now it's sushi time with xstine! yay...

bye now!

off balance

2009-07-18T14:00:00.001-07:00

lately i have been feeling off balance. today in particular my head feels like it's not on right. i am not even sure if that's a saying people use, which kind of proves my point though huh? anyway, i feel like i have gotten away from what i wanted my blog to be originally. my last few posts have been unrelated to my actual life or the ones prior to those were super intense post break up with my boyfriend.

i want to be able to get back to just writing a little everyday about how my day went and how i feel. but that too is easier said than done. and believe me this blogging thing is a lot easier when your life is actually you know interesting. sad for me to say this of myself, but right now it just is NOT. boo hoo hoo. wahhh. tear and tear.

no i'm kidding. anyway today is a beautiful freaking day for the beach. my friends are there now. i told them i would go meet them, but i still have a freak headache and i could use more sleep before i go out tonight. i feel like i am having the longest weekend EVER. it's saturday but i started my weekend on wednesday night. sweet right? indeed. well i am enjoying going out but i am more on bestie breakup duty. my girl d has a case of the blues. and don't i know how she feels. time heals all. okay, maybe not ALL. but hell, it helps because life goes on, with or without you.

2009-07-16T13:30:00.000-07:00

egh, it's been a while.

things are how do you say, complicated for me right now.

actually more like not organized. not really complicated.

i am the one that complicates it.

bad zo. bad.

okay, bye.

congrats class of oh nine

2009-06-09T20:37:00.001-07:00

i graduated with honors at usc

except NOT!! (jk obviously)

so congratulations to TINA CHOI for finishing OT school with a MASTERS! i thoroughly enjoyed her ceremony because it was small and short and shaded. three very important s words. werd. so anyway i know like everyone and their mom graduated from college this year, i mean really.. but i only went to tina's. if anyone invited me to a super early super large in the heat graduation i politely declined. cause eek you know. anyway more pics from this day here

PARKOUR: Are You Foreals??

2009-06-07T21:54:00.000-07:00

wow just when i thought i didn't have anything interesting to blog about i about discovered the stupidest thing i have ever heard of. PARKOUR. has anyone heard of this thing? well i mean maybe i am being too harsh. i mean they describe it rather artfully in wikipedia.

Parkour (sometimes also abbreviated to PK) or l'art du déplacement^[1] (English: the art of movement) is an activity with the aim of moving from one point to another as smoothly, efficiently and quickly as possible, using principally the abilities of the human body.^[2] It is meant to help one overcome obstacles, which can be anything in the surrounding environment—from branches and rocks to rails and concrete walls—and can be practiced in both rural and urban areas. Parkour practitioners are referred to as traceurs, or traceuses for females.^[3]

i guess the idea of pretty much just MOVING as a movement of popularity right now just sounds, well how it sounds.. ridiculous. although stupid sounding it generates as pure comedy. atleast the way i stumbled upon it. i didn't know what "parkour" was when i found this youtube video. the beginning really intrigued me. i didn't know it was meant to be a funny video at first. but when the intro is over you expect this pretty good looking tall white skater guy to you know, start skating, cause he's got the gear on (or so you think) but then he just starts rolling on the ground and shit.. it's freaking awesome.. HEEHEE! XD.. you also might find this funnier if you look up what REAL parkour is supposed to look like because he is definitely not doing it right in this video lawls!

all alone on a sunday morning

2009-06-07T11:52:00.001-07:00

ofcourse the title are just lyrics to one of my most adored songs of the late nineties by allure. but true, it is a sunday morning and i guess i am "all alone". today is one of those mornings where i feel more alone than usual. i set my alarm for 9:45 to get ready for church but i accidentally set my phone alarm for PM, i mean of course i did, sheesh. but i didn't wake up too much later than that anyway, but for some reason or most reasons i couldn't decide on what to wear and i was already going to be beyond a little late for service. i know i used to always walk in late before but i dislike walking into service late. i know of all places i am more fearful of the stares and how i look coming into church, the place that accepts all (or do they?) right. but whatever for whatever reason i decided i will chill out at home for a while, turn the comp on check ze email, watch a little strongbad answering his emails and then head over to my moms like i originally planned.

today is one of those days where everything kind of got thrown off track. i had planned to goto church, maybe not going is making my day er let's use weird for now. we have been going through this series about 'messy relationships' and today was the closing message, part 3. maybe there was something i was supposed to hear this morning. also if i had went to church i wouldn't have ended up talking to my ex this morning. someone who i guess didn't realize i was avoiding. i was a little surprised he wondered where i had been and that i was staying offline. kinda sorta i replied. because yeah, you don't see me online kinda sorta.. but i am still very much online way too much. but ask me how much easier my life has been for the last month? not any better, but a lot less painful. i had just started to realize the true worth and positive nature of being single. and not available because i consider myself unavailable but single. and i guess that means i am finally back in that position where i am in no way obligated to anyone or anything. even though a relationship or 'secret relationship' should not consume all my time i realized i am not that person. i want to be consumed damnit.. or consuming. whatever, i know what i mean. so i remember why i had to lay low in the first place. i forget all reasons why i should respect myself in the face of someone i loved. love.. no? loved. thought i loved. miss. missed? oh geez i don't know anymore.. i know i will know later. right now i am still getting more of what i need......time.

so bleh and blah and yankee doodle. here goes a good start to my week damn it.
i am going to knock this stupid chinese skit out the ball park today and i am going to study study study for this final on wednesday. and then, freeedom, it will be summer brrrreak and shit, what am i going to do all summer?

beats me.

arrested development

2009-05-28T07:42:00.003-07:00

Torrance Reference

Gob: Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear.
Michael: Gob, weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act?
Gob: He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.

TEEHEE :P

arrested development

2009-05-28T07:42:00.002-07:00

arrested development - torrance reference

2009-05-28T07:42:00.000-07:00

Gob: Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear.
Michael: Gob, weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act?
Gob: He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.

TEEHEE :P

2009-05-24T08:15:00.000-07:00

it's early on a sunday morning and i just felt compelled to get up turn on the computer. i guess i went to bed reasonably early for having gone out last night. snl was a repeat so there was no reason to stay up watching that. well today i feel "good". i noticed i haven't updated in a while and well my stupid webcam isn't exactly working right now because i am testing windows 7 out and the drivers for it haven't been released yet (boo).

for the most part i feel good because i am awake in time to get to church today without a rush and i believe today is the young adults food bar after 2nd service which means BASKETBALL today! i know it is just a sport but i find so much joy in being able to play. it's not like i am a guy and i have a dozen good friends that will drop everything to go play a pickup game whenever we feel like it. so any organized pt is awesome :)

well my last post was the song gravity by sara b. loove her and love that song because for the most part that is how i felt, how i feel, whatever. but i don't want to be "that girl" for gods sake i was that girl for a very long time and it took a very long time to not be her so i'll be damned if i get hung up on another ex boyfriend to keep me from moving on with my life. it's never easy cutting people out of your life. never. sometimes its necessary even if there isn't 'bad blood' but there is just a need for one of them to grow. it also doesn't mean its permanent, it's just what is always true about getting over people.. it takes time. and i know this to be true with me. i'm so i want this right here and right now, i never like waiting. but time really does heal all [most]. but for now i guess life is prrrretty boring. yay. how unexciting to start summer this way.

2009-05-14T18:31:00.000-07:00

"Gravity"

by Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.

You keep me without chains.

I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

CHORUS:

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.

Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.

But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.

When I thought that I was strong.

But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on

The ground.

But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.

The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

macbook

2009-05-14T11:36:00.001-07:00

i still want one.................

sexy vampires

2009-05-11T03:11:00.000-07:00

i'm not working. it's 3 in the morning. and i was thinking damn, vampires are fucking hot. and werewolves in this case ;)

somtimes there are just no words.

i didn't realize i was so hot for vampires til i caught onto this twilight hype. apparently it's not just my 'buffy' obsession.

they can bite me ANY TIME.

my first love, angel. this isn't his "vampire pic" but he looks so damn good as 'sealy booth' (bones) i had to post this one because um hello //drool/

and who can forget spike. he is only hot as a vampire.

and to add something completely random and unrelated to vampires here is my southpark avatar i just made

first video editing attempt

2009-05-10T17:59:00.000-07:00

testing out the free trial, that's why there's an annoying tag on the top and also why the quality sucks major ass.

facebook fail

2009-05-07T01:07:00.000-07:00

so i thought i could get away with logging into facebook to delete some of the pictures i have already uploaded onto my smugmug.. my goal is to get rid of all the clutter that is my facebook picture albums and just rely on the nice, neat and organized smugmug to host all my pictures. it's worth the $35 bucks to use it damn it. plus facebook is way too 'hey look at my pictures' about hosting pictures on profiles. i'd rather just give my friends, the people that actually care what pictures i have, my smugmug link..

but getting back to the point. i made a commitment to stay off facebook regardless. i mean i thought i had a decent enough excuse and i wasn't lingering around checking everyone and their mom's profiles. and i definitely didn't even LOOK at a quiz. but i got called out by deejay, jason and even anthony today. that's what i get for updating my damn status.

so crap! back to staying the hell away from it. but you know i did describe facebook as an addiction, so maybe this was going to happen no matter what. ha ha.. i relapsed on facebook. well in any case i am glad i had people to call me out, because i do need to finish this stupid commitment i made. 'tis harder than i realized.

twilight

2009-05-06T20:40:00.000-07:00

i can't get enough of bella's lullaby.

it is the most beautiful piece of music ever!!!
well it's hard to compare because the buffy and angel love theme music is pretty damn up there on my list of awesome vampire love music. i didn't really watch through this video, just wanted to post the music.. it gets really good in the middle/end :)

oops i did it again

2009-05-06T02:55:00.001-07:00

i went on facebook.
just now.
it was probably just for maybe 3 minutes, definitely not more than 5.
i'm still committing to my 30 days.
if i didn't have this committment i would just stay on all freaking night.

either way i am glad i am learning how to just check my facebook.
i could never do that before.
it was always stay on forever and ever and ever.
it feels really nice to sign on and not need to stay on.

after my 30 days i hope i can keep it like that.

well not too long ago, like really not even an hour ago i was really pissed.
i have since calmed down.
but at the same time nothing has been resolved.
i got into a relationship conversation with jason.

it's too complicated to explain.
plus i don't want to put it all out here right now.
too bad i can't sleep on it.
i fucking hate when i have shit like this to think about all night.
people don't realize this is the worst time for me to sit with bad news.
so i guess i think it's bad news.

whatever.
i don't know.
meh.

meh.
meh.
meh.

i was watching nigahiga today.
i love the PWNED video..

beep
beep
beep
moooooooo

lol

2009-05-06T01:23:00.000-07:00

i am sooooooooooooo angry right now.

so fucking angry.

i can't even explain it.
i tried a few times to try to form a paragraph but it's so pointless.
i just really needed to express it.

so there.
it's been expressed.
sort of.

more later, you best belie' dat!

minor set back

2009-05-03T20:19:00.001-07:00

so i am still on my no facebook crusade but today i logged in so i could post a listing to help sell my brother's car. its funny how many pointless notifications one can have in just 6 days. i did check to see what i was sent, invited to and all that crap but i realize my facebook usage is really stupider than i ever thought. i got so many application invitations it's retarded. if someone really needed to communicate with me for a REAL reason most of my friends can call me. the less i use facebook for my own validation and well for no reasons at all the more i realize i don't need it. oh well, let's see. 3 more weeks.

been a while

2009-05-02T00:12:00.000-07:00

nothing but random.. found my headset, i look like a phone operator, no not that kind perv!

eyeball burp is born

2009-04-30T00:19:00.000-07:00

congratulations ann & alex for completing the very first ever issue of EYEBALL BURP!!!

*applause applause applause*

i am honored to have been featured in such a project. my picture is at the very end of the book. fin. i was supposed to contribute more but my procrastination along with writer's block got the best of me. but fret not (like anyone is fretting right) issue two is already in the works and i will have writing to submit this time. although i am proud of my picture that ann used because i not only took the photo i finished the plate of food myself. you will have to go get a copy yourself to know what i mean. in fact ann and alex are selling them for 3 bucks a pop.

support the cause! buy a copy of eyeball burp!

send 3 dollars to ann mats @ 18042 haas avenue, torrance ca 90504 c/o eyeball burp or stalk her at her new chill spot missy's donuts on western and 182nd st.

speaking of missy's donuts i am digging the place. ann has been hanging out there lately and i see why it's very chill. i met ann there today and i got to see jeena yi! it had been so long since i've seen that girl. we talked about 2nd grade birthday parties and how i used to eat kool aid out of a pouch on my neck. i don't remember this but it must be true because i was definitely a weird kid.

stolen from the burping eyeballer herself:

i love when i get a cameo in her blog. it must be because i'm so hot.

well anyway i am on day 3 (or day 4 since it's past midnight) of my facebook sabbatical. harder and easier than i thought. sure, ofcourse that makes sense. it's easier than i thought in some ways because well i have stayed away from it and harder because damn it's only been 3 days. in some ways i feel like i am cheating because i am going on myspace. but believe me it's not the same. i do all my communicating on facebook so myspace bores me in about 5 seconds and then i move on. in other words a healthy amount of time online. plus nobody else uses gayspace anymore so it's nice and desserted for my internet community addicted self.

so how have i been spending my time you ask? smugmug. i finally made my smugmug account i have been wanting and i have been uploading pictures since monday (so much fun right). <-- that was meant to be sarcastic. but really i am hoping to give all my personal photos a new home on smugmug so i can remove all my photo albums from facebook that are like IN YO FACE in the newsfeed to everyone and their moms. that way i can also de-tag and delete old pictures with my ex without feeling like i am taking away those memories. they'll now be stored on my smugmug. well er aside from blogging and smugmugging i have not found much else to do.. maybe i can find a way to teach myself photoshop in greater detail, maybe a youtube tutorial? let's see if those exist. probably do. well until next time.. uh, bye.

facebook sabbatical

2009-04-27T18:25:00.000-07:00

so i have thought about this for a while.. could i ever give up facebook? it has become clear that i have become addicted to the internet, facebook specifically, and well i just don't like having something have so much control over me. i tend to be an obsessive-passionate person when it comes to certain things and in some cases certain people. one of the handy facts you come across and learn inside and out when you were a drug addict. correction, are an addict (they say you stop using but that doesn't mean your addiction doesn't stop or move from one thing to another).

so even though i spend my time on the internet a lot (a lot lot lot) not all of it is bad, like ugh right now.. my blogging. to me it's one of the things i do that keep me sane. it's the vent in an all too claustrophobic room i occupy. so not a few minutes ago i left my last status message on facebook "i need a break from facebook". i have decided to stay away from facebook for 30 days! i have made many committments in my life that have well not worked out the best.. i tend to cave when it comes to my unstable yoyo diets. but i know that my addiction to facebook is just way too time consuming for basically wasting a bunch of time doing nothing. i hate that i stare at what other people are doing and that i can't keep myself from changing my status message every damn minute! i get easily consumed into things and well facebook is a huge 'thing' that needs to be controlled.

it all sounds a little silly, but i take it very seriously. not all my friends know about my stint in rehab but most of them do. and if they do it's not usually a regular topic when we hang out so its harder for me to express how i get addicted to things. but in the same sense i am just like everyone else and people get addicted to shopping, gambling, partying all the same. egh, i was contemplating stating onto facebook as my last status message that i would be taking a 30 days facebook sabbatical but that is equally facebook-esque in the way it's an attention grabbing message and that is exactly what i don't want. also because i am not sure i will stay off facebook for 30 days! sad isn't it. my biggest challenge will be when i am at work from 10pm - 8am. i usually fill my dead hours of the night by taking every facebook quiz known to man and looking at every picture i have not seen of my friends on their profiles.

so the daunting anti-facebook movement begins! like dieting and cutting out unhealthy behavior in one's life i am sure i will start to feel a great sense of accomplishment and self worth while i take on this 30 day challenge. still silly i know this sounds.. but i am proud of myself for finally making this decision. i signed off facebook, which i never do (auto sign on) and i deleted it from my toolbar and i signed and deleted the app on my ipod touch! i will definitely be blogging out what i am doing with my time. i know its very very very long overdue but i said i would get rid of my dvr before.. so have not done that! =/ i'm terrible. i am thinking one small thing at a time. baby steps.. i want to see how this month goes and maybe, hopefully that will be next. excuses suck but i just couldn't let the dvr go just yet.. 90210 just started getting interesting.. and the secret life is coming back SOON! :P bahh i have too many vices.

you know what.. i am adding to this post, let's add twitter to that!

i am on a roll. i figure if i am going to leave facebook alone why even tempt myself with twitter. it's probably more pointless than facebook. although i did only join it at first to follow the members of questcrew and then other half-celebos but the constant updating is kinda addicting in itself. so check that. twitter has been deleted off mozilla and ipod touch! hooray! now time to find some PRODUCTIVE things to replace it with.

well.. here goes nothing.

INKED

2009-04-23T20:10:00.000-07:00

that's right folks.. yours truly got her first tattoo!! i love it i love it i love it. i combined the 2 ideas i wanted together.. thanks ann! i wanted a trail of stars which was gonna be kinda meaningless says ann, but i also wanted to get 'worthy' in hanzi (kanji) characters, so i combined them! :) here's me acting not so nervous before.. and some pics during and after.

getting a little nervous.. yikes

smiling about who knows what

haha i'm getting a REAL tattoo and my fake tattoo is in this shot

josh was my artist. he was super nice and did a great job!

all done!

i got the tat @ liberty tattoo right next to el camino on crenshaw! i really liked the place. probably because i was surprised to find my two high school classmates damien and danny working there. i will definitely be back.... i already have ideas for the next few! lol they say getting tattoos are addicting..

back to reality

2009-04-21T23:36:00.001-07:00

so last week was spring break for me and even though i still worked and i only missed 2 evening classes i still felt like i had a vacation away from all my responsibilities. i went to lake havasu this weekend with my new friend gino's family and family friends. my friend missie invited me and i am so glad she did. i had such a blast and i kind of feel filipino by association now he he. so although i was only gone for 3 days i felt like i was gone for longer. when i came home sunday night things were different. i am different. my new roommate keola moved in while i was gone, so i came home to a bunch of new crap in my house and a new guy living across from my room. i got so used to the quiet with joey being gone. and joey didn't talk that much anyway, or we didn't chat atleast.. i found keola on craigslist so its nice to have a roommate to chill and chat with. plus plus because he brought a hookah (:

well like i said things are different. mainly because a lot happened before i left for my trip. like i told missie i am glad i went to havasu. i needed to get away. i imagine if i stayed home that weekend i would have drove myself crazy and i would have been self destructive with my thoughts. i wouldn't have done anything but that is the point i would have been counter productive and i am so glad i rode a jet ski for the first time ever. it was so freeing to be out in the middle of lake havasu by myself.. just going as fast and then as slow as i wanted. i wish i were out there now.. aww, june will come soon. i can't wait.

well like i titled this, back to reality. tonight is tuesday night, my first night back at work. i am really glad i missed out on the drama during my days off. i can't handle too much more after the crap i dealth with at work a few weeks ago before i had to discharge 3 kids that tried to sneak out in the middle of the night on me. ahhh. this job is stressful because i am working alone as a woman so people think they can pull crap on me, but even though i get angry i have to keep my cool.. i can't just go off on them. i have in the past and it doesn't do much but make me look like an ass 'cause i am cursing out some 16 year old that doesn't know any better. oh bleh.

i have a lot on my mind at the moment. about life. my wants. my needs. i'll have to consider more things before i expand on those. i just wanted to post an update since it's been a few days. i posted a bunch of videos on my youtube channel from the trip. i will post later (: or there's a link to it on this page somewhere. i also made a new vlog but i havent uploaded it.. i did before my trip. i'm too lazy. like i always say, later.

later (see)

doing work son

2009-04-15T16:11:00.000-07:00

i don't know why i like saying that, but i do. work son! boyyyyy oyy oyy oy! yeah so anyway, i got a lot done this morning except for the fact that i have been uploading pictures and i am at the moment blogging at 4 in the afternoon when i could be even more productive doing other things right now. egh oh well. i revived my flickr today :) yay for that. i also reviewed my old flickr acct and can you say ewww? ew about my sucky pentax and ew about how i looked. although my sd1000 powershot isn't exactly that much better. gotta work with what i got right? right.

well this morning i moved some crap around and switched back to my small tv and moved my old mini fridge into my room. why? so i can be even more lazy than i am and not walk to the kitchen ha. so sad. but i can keep drinks in there so whatever ^^ i totally feel in in my umm wrist muscles (?) because i did all the lifting by myself, which included a small dresser and my old coffee table in my room, that's right i'm strong rawrrr. hmm, maybe rawring isn't the right sound but whatever. and so when i wen't to drop off and pick up this crap from my mom's i did what i had been avoiding for freaking FOREVER.. yes folks, i washed my car. it was really starting to bother me everytime i looked at it. then after some downtime i headed for lunch and coffee to visit ann at her new job @ neighborhood grinds. yum yum.. had me some good drank and free experimental smoothie ;> thanks grind's!

fill me please :) donations are welcome!

that's right folks.. it looks white again.

the grind's.. service with a smile

can starbucks turn your coffee into art? i think not.

well now that i have killed about 45 minutes (edit: make that 1 hour and 17 minutes now) of my day with THIS blog i think i will get fresh and clean and prepare for my evening festivities.. what may that be? i don't know yet. but hopefully i can get some church bball action since for once EVER i have wednesday night free, sadly it will be the only wednesday i'll have free. and oh yeah.. if i don't post for a while after this it's because i am in LAKE HAVASU!!!! woooooooooo 2 more days.

*although i am not exactly the happiest i could be today or in general i have worked too hard to be in a place i am proud of to let trivial things get me down. today i'm smiling because today i'm living for me :) unfortunately i can't control what others do around me. again i'll say it's the hardest thing for me to do but i continue to work at it, let go and let god.

it's tomorrow

2009-04-15T08:54:00.000-07:00

yes it is tomorrow. but unlike most people i didn't "sleep on it" i pondered and chewed on it because i have to stay awake. hooray for me.. meaning i just got off my shift and arrived home. today i am making it a goal to be productive. no more wasting time. and no more anyone wasting time. all feelings aside i feel everyone including my ex should not waste time and do what they need to do. he needs to do this. he should. i had my chance to expand on the relationship i was so close to being a part of, but i held back. i stepped away. i still can't say just why besides the many excuses i told to myself. but not everybody is me and after a rollercoaster ride of emotions and thoughts...... why waste time doing this to myself again?

life goes on.. i wrote that not too long ago. for me to complain or get in the way is unnecessary life stalling you could call it. i don't want to be her. i don't want to be the sad chic that doesn't move on from things. if anything was or is meant to be time will tell.

with that i say 'peace out' and with that i start my days busy work. time to redecorate the room!

O_o

moving on.. letting go?

2009-04-15T03:38:00.000-07:00

so i guess i have a few log entries about moving on, or rather moving forward in life but i guess i haven't really dealt with letting go. i think it's possible to move forward but still hold onto the past. it's an easy way out to just go on about things in life and not have to let go on certain areas of your life. a while back i wrote an entry about accepting the new opportunities life presents you. at that time i was not sure about getting involved with a new person in my life, or technically an old reintroduced person. i had a lot of fear about that situation and ultimately things did not work out because one we were not on the same page about certain deal breakers for me and two, the way i see it now is i wasn't able to let go of the past. so what now.. i have for the last couple months given myself no pressure to decide what i wanted and now i have to deal with the outcome i have ignored and pushed out of reach in my mind because i did not want to acknowledge its existence. so i had my chance at dating and i chose that it's not the right time for me. and now i have to confront my ability to "let go" because if i don't that will be just a weeeee bit awkward if and well in this case when my ex starts dating again. but oy vey.. or whatever. to be so filled in on what is going on in his personal life is most..... egh, ah, headache! basically as i discussed with him - i don't want to know this! but i want to know this!

eeek! gahhh! egh! ugggh! meh!

i don't really know what i expressed there but i can repeat those noise/sound all freaking day long. i suppose this wouldn't be that much of a shock or painful if i made better decisions. but i am a female with emotional issues and i have chosen to stay in close relations with my ex but there is a price to be paid for that.. i mean especially now that it's been over 3 months since the "official breakup".. but for many other unwritten reasons i am not happy about this. not happy at all. but my happiness does not, i repeat (yes to myself many times) does not play a part in his decision to move on. a great decision was already made when we ended the official reign on zorana and jason. and as much as i thought i had accepted that it's clear i haven't fully. honestly i feel like an idiot. it is my own fault. i just started feeling like there might be or could be a future or an extension to our story one day still. i figured definitely not right now. and who knows, maybe that is still a possibility OR NOT, my mind.. it wanders. but the idea that he have this opportunity again with someone else.. scares me. and i believe it shows how non confident a woman i am. i fear that everything we shared could be taken away from somebody else. i fear that i won't find that connection we once shared in someone else. i fear i fear i fear.. i am so cowardly sometimes. i believe anyone can take away what makes me happy because i believe that so much are better than me. i really do. it's not okay i am not okay with this feeling. someone is prettier, skinnier, smarter, funnier, more confident than me. what do i do with these feelings? i would like to use it to fuel my ambition to become someone i keep striving to be more like.......a better me. not somebody else, but a better version of me. i can still do that, but i have to get out of my slump. i have already decided i will fufill MY GOALS and not anyone else's and the pressure i gave myself i will no longer..........

ack!! who am i kidding.. i lost all train of thought. all that is running through my head is that he might start dating this girl. no he is already going on a date with her. maybe he already said yes, but wanted to have that conversation with me to break it to me. all i can think of is how she will become his girlfriend and he will treat her so well.. the ways he never treated me the ways he should have treated me because he treated me so badly in the end. I HATE THIS KIND OF TALK!! i really do.. but vent it out i will.. i won't lie and pretend to be strong when i am not. because of this i will turn out strong.. but i will not pretend for you. for him. if that outcome does happend and it likely will it will hurt me. but i want to be beyond that. i feel a relationship for me right now is not something i should be dealing with.. and just because my ex gets with someone else i shouldn't change that feeling.

MEH MEH MEH. this entry has no wrapped up point like the other posts do.. it kinda was for a minute going in some direction that made sense, but i have no answers. for him. for me. none. i just am processing what i found out tonight and it's intense. i may feel different tomorrow. later. i might be calmer. shoot i might be angrier. usually angrier is how i function. angrier at myself. for not saying this.. or that. letting this and that happen. BLAHblahBLAHbLahblahhhh.

err.. FASHO more later. yes indeedy.

movin to my own beat

2009-04-08T10:20:00.000-07:00

so today, tonight, last night, whatever, whenever...... i decided i need to let go of the pressure. the pressure to succeed the pressure to be better and more than i can handle right now. most specifically i am referring to school and the maybe not realistic but heavy goals i laid out for myself. about a year ago almost i realized i was a year away from transferring to a "real" college and redeeming myself for all the missed college years but i have gone about it all the wrong way. i chose psychology after a string of different ideas of what i wanted to do with my life and i realize now i don't want to do psychology. i want to peel myself away from my aadap identity and just be me. whoever that is. and right now i think she, me, zo.. the one that's typing right now needs to explore my love for writing. i accept that i won't make things work out this fall. infact i am purposely not sending in all my transcripts by april 15th to sfsu so they will not accept me anyway. i am not ready and although i am old and i made a big deal about it before SCREW THAT i am going to move to the beat of my own drum and well that means the pace that i want to go at. i have only lived back in torrance for about 5 months now, and since getting out of a relationship everything is new. the reasons i moved out here no longer are the reasons i still am here. everything is new and i don't want to feel rushed. i want to finish the classes i need to transfer but i want to take my time and in the meantime i want to take writing classes and photography classes and i want to explore what i really love to do. i want to take kickboxing or tae kwon do.. i want to do new things and i don't want the pressure.. i can't live with it. i mean maybe a little of it, but i give myself another year to make the change to go away to college. maybe ill still be local but maybe after another year i will be ready to move out of here and to san francisco, maybe somewhere else.. but right now i give up.. i expect nothing from myself at the end of the year except that i might know myself a little better and that i might know what it is i love to do. and to bring some color to my post now, upon ann's advice here are some of my first no-flash pictures to showcase.. finally playing around with wha tmy camera can do (cause i have no idea), but apparently all i learned to play with was my love of enhancing the color green :)

cute car

2009-04-07T09:57:00.000-07:00

so ann and i found this really cute miniature car in p-square parking lot. dude just look how small it is compared to me. awesome!

cheers to older people

2009-04-05T17:10:00.001-07:00

happy birthday to you my always weather friend ann matsushima.
i don't know if that makes sense but cheers to your life and cheers to the wonderful woman you are in my life.
cheers to the green wall you painted and cheers to the hair shaved off your head.
may this next year of womanhood you will live be most awesome.

and happy birthday to you brian hirano you hot quest dancer you with your chinese japanese portuguese self.
damn is all i can say when i look at your gorgeousness.
may your next year bring you more opportunities to succeed and run into me and then yes we will start dating and have fantastic good looking babies.

pondering and looking at the upside

2009-04-04T18:27:00.000-07:00

so i notice i go in and out of these slumps and when i am on the downward end of them i am constantly telling myself my life sucks because i always have to compare myself to other people. not only do i pay way too much attention to other peoples lives i unfairly give them the better story in my mind. i forget that i am a unique being and i don't have to excel at things better than others i just need to embrace the me that is err me. and i realize relationships don't last and that the people you surround yourself with aren't always going to be the people you are meant to be surrounded with. i guess i am giving into the obvious idea that i will meet people in life that i think are right for me and they are not.. boyfriends and girlfriends. i am getting to that point where i am ready to let go of certain people in my life. some are harder to realize.. sometimes years go by and you are like what the eff you know, but like all life lessons and realizations.. glad to know sooner than later. or later and later. so yeah instead of looking at certain situations and wondering how i failed at keeping things the way i thought or hoped they would go i can't help that things played out how things will always end up turning out. its time i look for people to be in my life that perfectly complement ME in all my glory to let me be exactly who i am and nothing less. right on sister girl! right on.

boring update

2009-03-31T14:07:00.000-07:00

nothing much to post but i talked to myself on cam for like 6 minutes.. care to watch?

hiking in pv

2009-03-29T01:41:00.000-07:00

so chasen and i went hiking in pv this morning.. or should i say yesterday morning since its the A.M. already now. i looked back on this and yes i am super out of breath.. this trail goes downhill first then uphill and chasen was getting figgity and headachey so we are like power walking back up. damn it chey!

i LOVE questcRew!

2009-03-24T13:07:00.000-07:00

i am officially in love with all of quest!!!!! i have posted these pictures every freaking where, but of course here are my favorites :)

brian hirano is officially one of the best looking men i have ever seen!!! he is everything i thought he'd be in person and more... //drool/..............

dtrix!!!!!!! ahh he has been my favorite from the beginning, i LOVED him on SYTYCD!! him and all the boys were nothing but sweethearts at LAX.. <3 style="text-align: center;">

goddamnit victor kim is awesome!! hehe i have been watching his youtubes of him singing and i told him i was a fan, he seemed so happy about that ;P

i love hok!!!!!!!! he was the first and last i saw that night.. so geniunely nice and down to earth and ohhhmyygodd i love his accent, i told him too :)

one word.. sexy. 'nuff said!

unfortunately i met everyone but feng.. i couldn't track that guy down in the club.. and i didn't get a good picture with steve terada :/ i didn't realize he was the shortest in the group but he is REALLY cute in person!!! *******best night ever***********

the breakup song

2009-03-21T15:25:00.000-07:00

i can't get enough of this song..... i love chris ramos!!!
this is my profile song already too.. i am totally going to play it out.
thanks ann for recommending it!

so i've been vlogging lately

2009-03-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

i'm gonna start embedding the vlogs straight onto here when i video myself.. but here's the one's i did this morning.. there's 2 because i was testing 2 different ways to record.. and i have an older one i am trying to see if i can add into an older post from 3.14.09!

transparency shows strength

2009-03-20T12:08:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wonder about those we consider the weak and those we consider too fragile. how do we even know they are struggling unless they are strong enough to shed light on it. it is from broken stories and being beat down and broken hearted where we learn the most. it is where insight comes from.

so i feel in many ways the more revealing you are sure it is risky it is what makes us all more vulnerable, it makes you a stronger person. there are a lot of reasons i feel insignificant is this huge unforgiving world, but it is initially up to us to make our own mark in it. and i suppose that all depends on how much you are willing to reveal. like celebrities for example, we constantly judge them for not having 'normal lives' yet they are the ones that choose to be put out their for everyone to ridicule. i am sure it must be nice to be rich, famous and adored, but the degree of vulnerability they put out there is far greater than anything i could display. it is much easier to hate what we wish we had but cannot achieve on our own than to realize they went and got what they wanted and we are still trying to figure this crap out.

so although being open like a book is something i struggle with it is still something i want to do. it will not always be met with kind regards and it will sometimes hurt because you open others eyes to the real you and you're not always ready for people to know how you really feel. because like i discussed yesterday in a very insightful conversation.. the truth hurts. sure people hurt us, we hurt ourselves.. because this precious life of ours is filled with so many choices and the way we choose to live hurts others and ourselves.. but its when we avoid the truth is when there is unnecessary hurting. truth hits us the hardest i believe. but when truth is spoken healing can begin and i believe that is the most wonderful thing of all. its an empowering and motivating feeling. to be able to know some truth and move forward. because when the truth is kept secret anything that follows is bullshit.

so yeah.. i may be setting myself to hurt, but being transparent is all that i can offer myself to be a better person right now. hurt is inevitable and i welcome it. it allows the next chapter in life to come welcomingly. i know thats not a word, but it will do.

well.. i am glad its friday. i am starting my weekend with this content feeling. content from what exactly.. not sure. although i figured out i was sad and maybe lonely the other night it is a new day and i choose not to feel that way. if anything i learn certain thing will always trigger an emotion.. so to scold myself.. "zorana don't play with matches".. because duh right, there will be a fire!

i'm outsauce.

people are stupid.

2009-03-19T22:23:00.001-07:00

i repeat.. people are stupid.

give up on love?

2009-03-19T21:38:00.000-07:00

i have always considered myself a dreamer.. the type of person, no the type of young woman that believes in love in every possible way. the one that believes everyone deserves to feel this almost UNBEARABLE HAPPINESS because it feels too good to be true.. but i am wondering is this feeling people feel between each other just all bullshit??

i don't know but i feel like i am beginning to give up on love.. i don't think i want to say i don't believe in true love anymore because i still do believe it exists.. but i am really really starting to doubt that it exists for me!!!!!! god, i am actually getting emotional as i am typing this out, what gayness and lameness, so together gameness? okay whatever. i was trying to analyze my relationships and naturally each new encounter i have with a new guy in my life i can easily mistaken it for me being honestly, totally and brutally in love.. in the past i guess i thought i loved someone, but i was dead wrong. but when i was younger i was interestingly more grounded, but really bitter. i guess i didn't believe in love then as well.. but this was after my first huge heartbreak, real heartbreak mind you. actually can i really call it a heartbreak? it was heart 'breaking' for me because it was my first real boyfriend who pretty much (and here's the magic word kids) rejected me. ohhh and so the inner turmoil starts to pour out.

ahhhh what am i saying? i don't know! really i don't. i just know that for the first time since a long time i am feeling that overly negative "fuck love" feeling. although i have gone through many lessons in love in the past 4 years, lessons in "love" correction.. i still have kind of made myself deal with things responsibly since then. i have had a string of "why the hell am i dating, hooking up with this guy"'s but i would have to say its been a looong time since i have really let myself feel pain. feel hurt. yeah, that's right i said feel hurt. oh maybe that makes sense.. it didnt in my head, but i read it aloud and i guess it works. BLAHHHHH!!! get back to the point..

point? okay get back to something, but the point.. ha. i humour myself. i guess what i was realizing as i was pondering crap was.. was i ever really in love?? i mean i think i was.. but was anyone ever really in love with me? really? yep.. there we go again.. its the topic of rejection once again.. wow i am so my very own therapist! i get ON CUE emotional when i type about this.. i look at these amazing love stories and examples of pure passion and i really don't know if i have been a part of something like this. i know i am awkward and well AWKWARD but damnit how do people let PEOPLE into their lives so easily.. i feel like i am OPEN, but is open the same as letting them in? when it comes to a lover, a soul mate... is there a difference with someone who is really revealing as a friend and then a BOYFRIEND? i guess the main difference would be trust. i love some of my friends to death but the trust you have with a plutonic friend is much different than that of a boyfriend. i guess i feel a lot more vulnerable when it comes to the guy in my life. i guess i have been able to be the dominant friend when it comes to friendship.. i feel like i friend people that i know are completely accepting of me, my flaws and they tend to let me guide the direction of our friendship. i haven't had many friends where they were the one that took control because one, i usually don't respond well to it and we then end up with a 'problem' butt heads etc.. i do have some friends like this, but i have had to work at it over the years.. and two, i usually don't feel as open to them and feel their judging me! wow... i am lame. typing out these things really help me see myself and its not always a pretty picture. well anyway back to relating this to having a boyfriend.. i tend to be attracted to certain types of guys and i have this stupid problem of putting them on a freakin pedastol. and when they are on said pedastol i am not vulnerable.. i can't be their star crossed lover because i am sooooo damn consumed in how i look to them. but i want to be totally DISSOLVED into another person.. haa im short on a bbigger vocabulary. dissolved sucked i know, but you know what i mean.

UGGGHHH...
bottom line: i am sad.

bottomer line: i feel unloved.

bottomest line: i wonder if i'll ever be loved the way i want to be.. the way i think i deserve to be loved :(

*i know all this sounds crappy and sad and asking for pity. i want none of it.. this is just how i feel right now!

i need to...

2009-03-15T15:09:00.000-07:00

-reorganize my room
-get rid of my tv
-start running everyday
-quit smoking cigarettes
-start reading fiction
-start writing
-keep an up to date planner
-vacuum my carpet
-do the dishes
-delete old pictures that make me sad
-log into facebook less
-start cooking my own meals
-ride my bike more
-be me

***update*** [3.21.09]

here's my vlog from the night before (for this posting date)

change vs. impulsiveness

2009-03-10T05:18:00.000-07:00

*warning: i titled this entry change vs. impulsiveness (duh) but doing what i always do, i went on a bit of a tangent.. it's still relative but this is why i have trouble with titles, my mind spits this crap out as it pleases.. no apologies.

damn what a title for a blog entry.. change vs. impulsiveness. the comparison between the two of these is pretty much a summary of the battle i have inside of me everyday. for the most part i like to think of myself as a good person that is trying to make myself a better person and so far i have decided that means working on my own life instead of trying to impact others lives. a few years ago that is what i thought being a good person was.. helping THEM. finding out what THEIR needs were. being 100% available to THEM. who "them" is exactly isn't so much that important.. what is important is that "them" wasn't "me". i had been blinded for so long about this idea of being selfless that i missed the greater point - that point being my efforts to help others is USELESS unless i am able to help MY (DAMN) SELF. i mean sure you can hide behind a charade and stamp y0urself mother theresa junior but what joy are you really giving to yourself? people that truly give, like really give from their heart do it because it brings them joy.. not because the people they help shower them with praises. and so if we don't truly love ourselves, and i know that's a GINORMOUS issue of mine, what then are we doing these things for? i mean on the outside sure you might look like a saint.. but if you are really empty inside you might as well just sit and do nothing. at least you won't feel guilty for the praise you receive.

THAT!! that description is just how i felt throughout high school. playing the good old christian was supposed to fill my empty void. i mean don't get me wrong.. believing in god and the word of christ was no charade for me.. but just believing isn't always enough. yes god loves us.. god loves ME. easier said than, well accepted. i guess i became one of those christians that knew her stuff (well not really, i was well 'fed' the word of god back then) but didn't truly feel joy in her heart. i thought i felt it i'll tell you that.. i'm even sure i had it at one point, but i sought out the approval of others instead of ever believing and accepting i was enough all on my own. i am still doing it, but i am aware of it. after accepting god into my life i didn't think anything else could open my eyes again. ha! i was so wrong. there is definitely so much more to learn and accept. christianity i do believe is the way and the truth and the light (ya, like the song) but i don't think it's the end all and know all. you can't decide you want to live for god and then only live in the parameters of your other christian buddies and shun all the rest. that would be like if i opened up an ice cream shop because i loved ice cream so much but i only served chocolate... ??? haha my analogies SUCK!! (i was thinking of a good one for a while..) umm, what else? it's like if i became a lifeguard because i wanted to help people but i only will work at one beach FOREVER! hahaaha oh man, it's 6am and being up all night is now starting to hit me. the good thing about working all night is i have time to write these entries, but the bad thing is i start writing into my 'kooky hours'. (i just spent the past minute wondering how to spell kooky).

alright let me get back on track... so i think i made my point about how i lived a half-assed 'christian life' before.. but let me get to change vs. impulsiveness..

wow this is so NOT a smooth transition.. but whatever. so i have been thinking a lot lately how i need to make a change in my life. i am always thinking this. it happens every few months i realize shit is just not going my way and i somehow let myself fall into this slump where i am not being disciplined enough. at aadap we called it the seasonal slump. they say that every 3 months as the season changes you go through some kind of inventory of yourself and you like in my case kind of give up and sulk about how much life sucks. i do this way too often. and i hate it.. i am so sick and tired of feeling sorry for myself, yet all i do is feel sorry for myself. but the funny thing is although i can not make difficult long-term and permanent change i am a chronic impulsive --- person? i am just impulsive as hell and it's usually in a negative way. it's mostly in negative way.

when i was at aadap (yeah, i'll be starting my sentences like this for years) i had to write "treatment papers" aka essays about my impulsivity (is that a word?) and i know that my urge and impatience to deal with things, life you might say brings me to make these chronic impulsive decisions that are seriously huge problems in my life. thank god it is no longer drugs, but i turn to food and shopping in ways that i can't even explain. i get a rush from going through the drive thru when getting fast food. why? because i have food at home, i have food at my moms, but the idea that i can instantly go somewhere and get what ever i am craving INSTANTLY is an addiction of mine. same with shopping.. the majority of what i buy i probably won't even remember i have in a month, i just have this terrible desire to do these little impulsive things because it keeps my mind off how much my life sucks! and i know i know.. shame on zorana! i know my life doesn't suck but i am really sick and tired of staying stuck in this pattern!!! i know what i need to do to make my quality of life better but i just won't do it.. and it's freaking time i stop making excuses.

which brings me to my relationships.. UGH! i have yet again placed myself in position where i am trapped with my heart hanging on by strings. i am way too messed up to be in a relationship right now but i tend to force myself to ignore that and try to find comfort in somebody's arms. i know deep inside that is crap. i have always said that i don't want to meet the man i will marry the way i am now, because i have a lot more growing to do in life.. sometimes i justify it by saying that excuse will always be there and one day i will just end up super old and alone. what a bummer if that happens right!? but as negative as i may portray myself to be i have faith that i am growing everyday and that i am going to get my shit together and start loving me. i have faith i'm gonna clean the mess i call a room and keep it that way, i have faith i will stop living and eating like a slob and start taking care of my body, i have faith i will step up and be responsible and spend my money more wisely, i have faith i will stop being a child and stop expecting my mother to fix my problems, i have faith i am smarter than i give myself credit and that i will get my degree in psychology, i have faith that i will be happy and i have faith that i deserve it damn it!!! yeah! that was empowering.. i feel like i should stand up, but then i would not be able to keep typing and i was kinda on a roll. alright.. i have lost my roll. its almost 7am and i took a break to talk to my coworker leroy for a several minutes..

so to wrap it up i have come to realize i am pretty damn impulsive. but i don't have to be, not all the time or i can at least start being impulsive less frequently and hopefully in a positive way. i suck immensely at changing for the better, you know that slow and steady kind where i am persistent and patient. but i am really going to do something about it this time.. patience is something i usually just say i don't have.. but i am going to really work on it. i will make goals again and i will work at meeting said goals and i will be patient and not give up. i am working on a list right now of what things i am going to cut in my life and what i will make room for that will be positive.. i'll post it later.

"The key to change is to let go of fear."
-Roseanne Cash

what's in a title?

2009-03-09T16:40:00.000-07:00

so i usually have some kind of theme in mind before i start a new blog entry but today i don't have the slightest idea.. i am just kind of feeling gross today and am going through this several day long slump where it's beautiful outside and i can't drag myself to do anything. then again i was just as lazy even when i was feeling pretty damn fine so that comparison does not do any justice. well whatever. perhaps mother nature wanted to give me extra crappy feelings today because dammmmnit, i don't want to go to school tonight, or work.. or anything!! atleast greant aunt flo came at all.. i was beginning to believe i was prego by the way i have been eating lately.. eww! i am soo getting back onto my diet shakes. i HAVE TO give up fast food. i think i would be okay if i never saw another burger again in my life... or a plasticy/foil wrapper.. or a stupid mcdonalds M!

//barffff/

well, i suppose i should consider this one of my downtimes.. since im always talking about my ups and downs.. highs and lows of life. but i am really getting sick of talking about and complaining about the same shit year after freaking year. everytime things start to look up and i may be.. might be.. possibly could be, dare i say happy? something always has to eff it up. i have to eff it up. but it's all about perspective.. which direction you are looking at it. because even when i know i do the right thing i am not the type or person that remembers why and feels good about a hard decision to make.. because i care too damn much about what other people think. STILL. ugh, if i could change a million things about me................

MEH!!!!

meh to the 23483908420398432980394809th power.

...

2009-03-09T14:08:00.000-07:00

some days......... just feel crappy.

headshot fail

2009-03-06T09:52:00.000-08:00

a collection of missed faces.. apparently ann and i failed miserably at getting full body shots at our attempt for the trendy "im jumping in the air" shot.

biggie was wrong..

2009-03-01T12:04:00.000-08:00

biggie rapped that the mo money we have the mo problems we have.. in a superstars life that might make sense, but for me and the rest of america it seems to be "no money, mo problems". so i had a conversation recently about the economy and i was wrong to say the recession has not affected me because i am seriously sick of the raised prices of goods right now, most specifically restaurants. UGH! i went to red robbins the other day and the soup salad combo that people usually get to eat/spend less is now like 11 bucks! what the crap is that?? i mean really! i feel like this is a segment of "REALLY with seth meyers" on snl. i like that segment by the way.

well on another note the economy has made traveling and the such super ultra cheap.. which means, time to plan a trip :) well at least my roommate is going on this insane cruise and it was also insanely cheap.. ooh i want to go on a cruise one day. but before that i have to find time to be able to travel to london and china!! err.. hopefully i can do that before i get too old :/ egh anyway this was just a blurb of a post. more later..

parking lot concert

2009-02-26T17:30:00.000-08:00

the ann and zo show

2009-02-22T14:54:00.000-08:00

life goes on..

2009-02-20T17:02:00.000-08:00

so as usual my life is always changing. i mean i am 23 years old what else can i expect? i am so not at that place where i have accomplished the goals i had in my life.. in fact i am still in that place where i am deciding which goals it is i want to pursue. all this is normal but i can easily forget this when a lot of my peers seem to have it all figured out already. in the last couple years many of my acquaintances have been married and have had their own kids. many not that much older than me, some younger than me. i guess i have to remember that doesn't mean they are done and have their lives figured out. i used to want to marry young and start a family young, but just knowing how little i have actually done with my life thus far i am definitely not ready to settle down. i mean i wish i could but i'll be damned if where i am now is all that there is. i like the quote above by alexander graham bell. sure we have all heard that saying one window shuts another opens.. but it is when we are too preoccupied with the past that we don't see the opportunities right in front of our faces.

its amazing to me how much i learn EVERYday. i am choosing to be more accepting of the present. unlike how i would have handled things before i am riding out the bumps that are occuring in my life and i am looking forward to what's next. like usual i have help coming to these conclusions. long coffee talks with ann. my newly appreciated deep conversations with eric. i am daily reminded by the wonderful people in my life that i have a lot to live for. and i am lucky to have what i will consider encouragement when i could so easily do what i was so used to doing.. give up. i almost called it quits with school recently. i was really bummed out i didn't get the job i wanted near torrance, or even the aadap job i thought was so easily going to be mine. but hot damn i think i am growing up because it's okay that things didn't go my way. it's okay that the relationship i was in didn't last longer. i think i am finally learning how to move on from things minus the negative feelings. minus the bitterness. damn i used to be a bitter asian girl.. but eww what a waste of time right? right. so *sigh* as stressful as finishing school and dealing with my own pressure to do well is.. i am so going to do it. maybe i won't finish everything and goto school this fall but i sure hope i do. and if i don't i'll work damned harder to get to the next best place in life. i visited my old job today and my former boss would not let me talk about my school half assed. he told me just work harder than i have ever worked before right now. he said i should work the hardest i EVER will now because i will be able to do everything i will ever want to do after i finish. i mean yeah me telling him my excuses and being 23 did sound ridiculous.. because i am only 23! i need to stop making excuses......... i want it.. i want it bad. i am still not sure what it is i want.. but damnit i am going to finish school! i know i can get more excited about it than i am right now.. and i will. but my hand hurts because the evil cat i live with bit me. i am going to murder that cat one day. but anyway YEAH... the one door i was giving particularly too much attention to for the past several months was my relationship i just got out of. it was painful ending it but i really do see things more clearly now. i have much more i need to focus on. and it doesn't necesarily mean i need to be alone either. i am trying hard to figure out what everything all means.. and which new doors that opened i should step into. because that's important too. just because i have new opportunities doesn't mean they are all good. that would be blind and stupid to assume that. but after many conversations i am trying to do what i see many wonderul and influential people in my life are doing.. "going with the flow". i mean sure i have been going with my own "flow" for the past couple years, but its been blind and careless.. i have just been trying to unwind myself from the life that was a recovering addict. working for aadap is great, but i definitely need to find myself apart from the organization, the addict lifestyle.. the everything. i want to just start anew and be zo. whoever zo is meant to be. i mean even zo, its a reference to everyone i have ever been. a nickname my dad gave me but all my basketball friends started using since junior high. i like the familiarity of it all, but its almost like i should take away everything that was anything about me in the past. maybe i can move to san francisco and i'll do the most daring thing i can do with my name... go by my chinese name. oooh that would be a tripppp. i grew up having this FOB-phobia.. i never wanted to be associated with being a fob or not knowing english. i think watching the disadvantages my parents went through i sought to be as americanized as i possibly could be. how crazy would that be.. "hello, i am wei ci yang". eghh.. mayyybe. maybe not.

welllllllllll... hmm. a lot for me to continue to ponder about. for now i will keep my ears, eyes, intuition open to find where i should go next.. and how to keep going there full force. oh and with all that in mind i know i have been lacking with where i should pay all my gratitude towards. this is why i think i always dont feel right. i can be doing, saying, living all the right ways but i forget to put god back into the picture. i think my new and recent conversations about religion have been placed in my life so i can get off my lazy ass and start learning and doing more in this "chrisitan life" of mine. questioning god and learning about other religions is just what i think i needed at this point in my life. i know i am doing no good by just letting time pass me by without learning more or giving god his due praise from me. because i have not been. and i don't feel that bad about it... which in turn makes me feel bad about it. but i dont like those kinds of reasons to be why i do anything, but i think its about time i knock that shit off and start doing something. what? crap i don't know. but then again.. i KNOW. eghh.. too much to brainstorm with that. that calls for some more meditation and a whole new posting on that alone. soon to come.

til next time.. BYAHHH! (dave chappelle is my hero)

that was weird

2009-02-16T09:07:00.000-08:00

last night i posted the below entry and it was BACKWARDS if you can not tell. i do not know what happened but after i restarted the laptop it was fine. but now i am home and on my desktop. i thought it was just my blog, but everywhere on my browser it was doing that but only on aim and facebook did it write correctly.. WEEIIIRRD huh? anyway i just wanted to say that. so it was said.

bye

racecar backwards is racecar

2009-02-16T00:55:00.000-08:00

ti staht !!!dddrrrrrriiiiieeeeeew
!TUO EM GNIKAERF SI SIHT !!!LLEH EHT TAHW !eulc tsethgils eht tnevah i ?woh !sdrawkcab golb eohw siht gnitir ma i esuaceb won htgir desufnoc os m i yako

love speculated

2009-02-11T01:20:00.000-08:00

i feel like i am the kid taking the picture in here.. i am an observer but i want to be that couple in love. oh yeah, but i am not a boy. i was looking for one of those pics with the red rose in it and that's the only color you see but i could not for the life of me find it. grrrr. anyway.. as many times as i thought i was the little girl in this picture, figuratively, i have time and time again realized i was not. am not. but that's okay because as of right now i like taking the pictures :)

you are on fire

2009-02-08T21:18:00.000-08:00

greetings snarf! that's what bjork said on snl this weekend. hilarious stuff. although i have not been a fan of snl's current cast in comparison to the will ferrell days they still get it right once in a while. kristin wigg is definitely the one to look out for as far as female comedians go on the show right now. take a lookey.. she makes bjork my hero =D

weekends can sometimes be fun

2009-02-08T20:27:00.001-08:00

so my weekend.. it was a good one. i don't have many of those all that often so hooray for that. although i worked friday night as i usually do i finally met up with nena for pho! hooray for pho. and mmm thai iced tea! and i also got news back from aadap and will be interviewing on tuesday for the receptionist position that opened up at admin. i am not sure if i will get the job yet, but even if i do not there has been a schedule change for the time being with my night job and i will now be working sundays-wednesdays and now have thursday, friday and saturday off!! hot damn.. i am so happy. after working friday nights for the last several months its going to be effing awesome having those days off. i can go away for the weekend now if i wanted to. sweetness!!

i also finally did something out of my element for once. i never wanted to learn salsa before but i am so glad kyle, my friend from smc, got me to join him for "salsa boot camp" on saturday morning! some may already know that i am NOT a dancer. well i take that back, mrs k told me i have natural talent in dance class at north high. haha and i was so out of place in that class coming straight out of the north basketball team. anyway.. i learned!!!! i mean i am NOT A PRO.. or even that good, but i left that class dancing salsa with my partner and moving fluidly.. NIIICE!!! i wish i took some video of kyle when he was dancing or him of me but that would have been weird while we were in class. but it was super chill and a small class of about 4 guys and 9 ladies. i totally want to learn more now!!!

cheer up kyle.. you can get up and salsa some more if you like.. haha

so saturday evening i met up with the mats and had some adventures of zo and ann bonding time. she wanted to take me to this new place called neighborhood grinds off artesia. its right by one of my fave restaurants called rice things. mmm rice things. well anyway it was a real chill place. on the way there we were behind this truck with like a motorbike in the back with the license plate that read 'iron zoe'...awesome!! anyway the coffeehouse was nice. she liked it because was small time owned and it was laid back but it was the coffee that did it for me. i LOVED that they served it in a mug for you like central perk style from the tv show friends. i have never had coffee like that, it was a very cool and homey feeling. my white chocolate mocha was so worth the 4 dollars.. and i will be reluctant to admit that any other time. mm mmm good.

best coffee ever!!

so today i also had a ball game in the morning.. i SUCKED!!! but i'm in such a good mood its all good. i just need to start keeping in shape so i am not huffing and puffing like i am down the court running... oy vey! well i ended my wonderful weekend by getting together with an old friend and eating some good ol japanese food! we were a little impatient to get ramen like we planned originally =P but i got to have sushi so yipee for that. i <3 sushi!

***i hate blogger right now***

i wrote a lot after this point and blogger just deleted it!!! ughhhhh!! so lame!! i hate re-writing shit.. so i am just DONE.

i'm not emo

2009-02-04T17:21:00.000-08:00

so first thing i wanted to touch on was that i realize my picture on my blog title looks totally emo. i an NOT emo.. but i like that pic. sometimes black and white just looks better and i guess i was sorta down when i took the pic but i like how it looks so its staying! so anyway i have been extremely lazy... i've missed a lot of 'filling in' so here's a few highlights that i wanted to post before that well i just let a lot of time slip since it actually happened..

post holiday shopping is always a fave thing of mine to do. why? cause any shopping is a favorite thing of mine to do. so i bought a sweet ass guess coat on sale, GUESS!? i can't afford brand names but it was missing buttons so it was half off baby..

and i got two pairs of really cute shoes that i have been waiting FOREVER to wear, well the gold ones atleast... its been a lifetime since i have gone clubbing. i don't really even like going anymore but there's no other excuse for me to wear the gold shoes they will be completely too "hooker" looking for me to wear any other time! haha its true..

in more recent festivities the annual dinner dance for aadap was this past saturday night. this is the event we have every january to honor all the graduates from the residential programs.. my alma matter and olympic academy, where i work. i forgot to upload the picture with my oa boys =( but here's pictures from that night..

congratulations jennifer! i'm so proud of this one..

my olympic academy girls.. from "my class" i guess you can call it..

tc represent!! love my renee.. and not my roommate anymore but "look at me i'm trish" ;)

it was nice to be a part of the event this year without the nerve racking part where i knew i had to speak. yeah, i was an honoree last year and they tried to get me to MC the event this year. HA! as much as i used to like being the center of attention i opted for just attending as a staff member and alumni this time. besides the last time i MC'd was the kids high school graduation with andrew and well that was just a horrible failure. it's easier to work the crowd when you are young and cute. both young and cute are factors i am losing at an increasing rate =( sadnesss i know. anyway eghhh that's a little of what's been up for me.. more to come late. like how ive been feeling and crap.

2009-01-26T16:18:00.001-08:00

it's official. i am a shopaholic. then again i think it was official long before me making that statement right now. there are so many things on my list of things i want to buy that i somehow convince myself is something i "need" to buy but sadly i am not a millionaire. crap i am not even a thousandaire. sometimes i am when i hold onto just enough money when my paycheck comes in, but for the most part with my debt counted i am merely a hundredaire. so i keep telling myself i am going to post pictures and i keep taking pictures to post on here but alas i am THAT LAZY.

which brings me to my shopaholic shopping list. ever since about a year ago when my boyfriend at that time's roommate introduced me to the eyefi sd card i have really wanted to get one. i think it cost like $100. yeah that sounds about right. if i can finally get one of these sd cards i can bask in my laziness and never have to take my sd card out of my camera again. infact i wouldnt have to locate my camera and take it out of whichever purse or backpack i have it in because it would automicatically connect with the wifi in my house and start uploading pictures. suhweet! i can even set it to go straight to my facebook automatically. how insanely cool. well i guess in the time i have written about uploading pictures i could have well, uploaded my pictures. oh well. next time.

peace out.

so much free time

2009-01-20T17:52:00.000-08:00

hollarr holllarrrr

damn it gets freaky deaky hot in my room. i am so happy happy joy joy it has cooled down right now. so today is tuesday and well it has so far been a pretty alright tuesday. i think earlier today i was trying to be "depressed" you know "sad" and "lonely".. and a little while ago i got really mad at myself for being such a well pussy i guess. just why did i decide this? well i was looking at some other people's blogs which sent me down xanga memory lane. and although i deleted my original xanga which had years of crap of mine i still have my negropantalones page up (yeah, i dont know why i had to name it that) and i was reading some of my angriest entries and well i just got really annoyed with myself. i refuse to let shit make me feel "sooo bad". i mean in comparison i have come a fucking long way from before and i am just not okay with letting shit get me down right now. i mean sure i am going to have up days and down days. this morning and last night was kinda down. but that's okay, as long as i can pull my shit together and get back to whatever it is i am getting back to? yeah.. life i guess.

so i stole my old profile picture off the old xanga.. this is what i used to look like? how different or not different do i look?

i kinda miss that hair.. and oohh, i lost that damn cross i am wearing. shit and my grandma gave me that for graduation. i need to find that, but i am sure i lost it a long time ago =/ suckiness.
well... i have some pics i wanted to upload from this weekend and last week or even older but i am lazy so i'll do it next posting =)

peace out homeslices.

back to square one

2009-01-14T23:54:00.000-08:00

so i decided to delete several posts that i recently blogged for a number of reasons.. i want my blog to be a casual outlet for me to speak my mind (type) and just write about my day and all. i am at a point in my life where i am trying my darnedest to stay away from unnecessary drama. especially the kind i create myself =/

so anyway, back to square one.. then again, whose to say i was ever past square one in the first place. whatever.. i am back to the question i am always asking myself, what the hell am i doing with my life? i have completed 7 months of employment with aadap as a night caseworker and i am about to change jobs yet again. on one hand i feel like this job is crazy and stressful and with the me not sleeping at ALL its a problem, but on the other hand, i run from everything i do.. my longest job was at london & company for just over a year and that was only because it took me forever to find the right new job. i figure i am still young and this is the only time i can get away with changing what i do so often but i know i lack that consistency that is needed to accomplish my goals. school has been a kick in my ass all semester. and i don't even want to mention how angry i am about my smc classes.. i have yet to make a visit to campus that is much needed. i will definitely get on that crappppp! but yeah, i think i am a chronic avoider. there are some things i will be very outspoken about but i am very guarded when it comes to my weaknesses. blehhhh. yet i am a firm believer that it is our weaknesses that make us strong in the long run. but hmm.. that just makes more sense being said than applied to me. craptastic! well, that's all for now. hasta luego.

christmas at aadap

2008-12-24T11:19:00.001-08:00

so every year we have this huge all agency luncheon where each unit gets a gift from the board as well as performs songs and skits. i have been absent from this event for the past 2 years because i had another job during regular working hours. the kids at oa made me proud.. their performance was so funny. i recorded most of it... although i hate that i can hear how annoying my laugh really is on it =0/ enjoy!

jack makes me hungry

2008-12-11T18:08:00.001-08:00

soap party

2008-12-11T17:18:00.000-08:00

my name carved out of soap and look there's liquid soap in the background.

a reason not to masterbate

2008-12-11T01:31:00.000-08:00

zales now sells hello kitty

2008-12-11T01:16:00.000-08:00

how awesome is that? i bet hello kitty will be making appearances regularly at anniversaries and wedding proposals this year. "awwww".

writer's block

2008-12-11T00:48:00.000-08:00

isn' t funny that i have writers block right now yet i can WRITE on my blog!!?

i mean isn't that how it works? i can't hash out the ideas and thoughts to write my final paper for econ class, but i can type ramblings on this thing. then again, no themes or strung together ideas are expected when i write here. that's the great thing about blogs - i can write whatever the fuck i want. you see, i just wrote FUCK. *GASP* i know, it is a little tasteless, but really why not? because I CAN AMERICA! because i can.

anyway.. back to the essay writing, or actually i think i will write a short story. i can be more creative that way.

peace bitches.

jack in the box

2008-12-09T17:39:00.000-08:00

it took me FOREVER to make jack stand by himself!!!!!!!!!!!!

my hat and other stuff

2008-12-09T11:52:00.001-08:00

when i was a little elementary version of myself chinese kid i used to want to be the "cool hat girl". why? because alex mack was the cool hat girl of paradise valley junior high. yes, for those who watched nickelodeon circa early 1994 know what i'm talking about. i was obsessed with that show and i wanted to be larisa oleynik (alex mack). although i kind of failed in every "trend" i tried. to this day i am going from one look to another, and i don't really posses what you might call "style". but to my surprise at school today (i goto LACC, los angeles city college on tuesdays) someone complimented my hat and asked me where i got it. hoooray! that made my morning. too bad i dont remember where i got it. with my big head i can't find many hats that fit and look good so this is definitely my favorite hat.

i wore my glasses because the picture was for displaying my uber-cool hat not my strange akward face. its hard being a hat model its like how do you look normal and let the hat take all the attention.

so all in all i know this is a weird post, but i was talking to ann the other day about what the hell i should post about and i warned her, i usually post about pointless things like this. i think this is a clue to just how eventless my life is these days. sure i have a lot going on in my life compared to before: going full time to school, trying my damnest (or not damnest enough) to focus on transferring to a "real college" next year, working a demanding turn my day upside down night job, and well i guess that's all. i try to juggle this while making "oprah-like" efforts to diet. i say that because oprah is a die-hard yoyo dieter, and well i guess i am too except oprah has had much more sucess than me. infact i haven't had much sucess at all, its been like two years since i lost weight on my own (at least 10lbs). dahhh.. oh well. i need to motivate myself more.

i am 23 years old

2008-12-08T20:04:00.000-08:00

so my birthday just passed on november 30th (hooray). i am the last of all my friends to turn a year older so i am thrilled to be 23, but yet i also don't know how i am a day older than the teenager i was in high school. damn, time flies.

new blog

2008-12-07T20:36:00.000-08:00

i have had many "blogs" livejournal, xanga, bebo, etc.. i am looking to just keep it simple with this one and hooray i love that its part of a google product =)